Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 0

Interviews scheduled for this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for today: Storm Chasers (yes the tv show)

Yesterday I posted that I can’t wait for my life to start . . .or at least my post-graduate life to start. And by post-graduate life, I mean dating life. I was waiting to move to another place and start dating. However, since moving right now is out of the question, I have to start now or never.

Also yesterday, I asked how I was going to go about this. I posted on my Facebook account that I was looking for a bargain basement man. I got a few responses from a couple of friends. One was to go to Electric Cowboy (a chain cowboy bar). However, the Electric Cowboy in my town has actually turned into a cowboy bar. And you know that cowboys have a saying “No Fat Chicks!” So. . .let’s move on from that.

My friend David suggested that I deserve better than a bargain basement man. I told him that what I am looking at ain’t looking back at me . . .therefore I must bargain basement bin dive. I love you David . . .but let’s get real.

Another friend told me that I should find a guy in prison. Her rationale was that I could have all the fun (conjugal visits) without all the mess. I told her that I simply love her idea of practicality, but her romance was dead. No way did I want to have sex in a gray 8’x8′ room with only a bed that numerous people have had sex on. YUCK!

So . . .how am I gonna go about this?

I posted this little online story on my Facebook today

I know we should drop the stigma of online dating. Like we should drop the stigma of mental illness or homosexuality. However, by participating in online dating I feel as if I am setting myself up for failure.

Some of you are asking why. It would probably appear that I have nothing to lose so why not go for it. Well. . . there is more at stake.

I have put up profiles on various websites. I have responded to various personal ads. And well . . .there hasn’t been any success. In fact, I feel as if I am a failure at love anyway. So when I find a guy on a personals ad, that seems to be pretty interesting and you send him a message and you get no response. And then you take a look at those men that looked at your profile and you feel a bit repulsed . . .I mean what about this does say failure . . .seriously.

Ok . . .I did say I want a bargain basement man. So what is my definition of a bargain basement man? Well, its different for every girl. Basically start out with your ideal man. I tend to go for the general tall, dark and handsome. Add a dash of muscles and outdoorsy-ness and a pinch of a man who isn’t afraid of hard work you pretty much got what I am looking for. Bargain basement version of this man would be tall, not dark and so-so in the handsome (personality makes up for that though) department. Muscles are vague, outdoorsy . . .well maybe not as much as I would like and someone who could still do some kind of hard work (like yard work).

So the term bargain basement man, is pretty harsh to say the least. I really don’t know of any man who would want to be considered a bargain basement man. And with this analogy I have decided that I am not ready to date! Therefore, off the market again to work on myself! YAY!

(In case you didn’t know, I am secretly afraid of dating. I look for any reason that I need to work on myself and take myself off the market!)


Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 0

Interviews this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: Having 2 jobs in a tough economy

This week I have come to the resignation that I will be in this town a couple of more years at least. It’s not so bad. I like living here. I was always going to come back here to retire, like my parents. I just haven’t seen as much of the world as they had when they were my age.

The biggest resignation that I had this week was the fact that if I want to start dating again I am going to have to do it here . . .in this town. The thought of this scares me as most personal ads for men my age have something in the first paragraph along the lines of “I have two sons that are my world,” or “I have the three-year old daughter who is the light of my life.”

Well if they are your world or the light of your life then why do you need a relationship. Isn’t having the light or the world enough?

I guess I should digress at that point. I guess these men want someone to have an adult conversation with . . .along with other adult fun. I also realize in this part of the country most men have been married and divorced at least once by the time they are my age. And as I and these men get older, the likelihood that they are going to have children goes up exponentially.

So I figure if I start dating now, I might be able to find a man with out kids . . .maybe. I just don’t know how to start this process. Any suggestions?

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 0

Interviews set for this week: 0

Thing I’m most grateful for: Samantha picking up Pye’s big hairball today

Reason for not writing last week: Grandma

So, I’m sorry for not writing last week. I spent 6:30 pm to 6:30 am in a recliner, next to grandma waiting for her to get in the night to pee. I don’t sleep well in a recliner. Unlike my mother and her sibling I can’t really sleep sitting up or any various stage of recline other than flat on my back.

This isn’t the first time I have slept in a recliner, next to my grandma, waiting for her to pee. I’ve been doing this off and on for the past 4 years. In November of 2006, my grandmother had her annual flu shot. Two days later she was feeling the effects of said flu shot and went to her bedroom closet to get a sweater to fend of some chills. Upon retrieving the sweater she went to sit down on the bed and missed and fell. She compress-fractured her back.

For a month, my grandmother was completely bed ridden. While I had hired several ladies to come in and care for her, the night shift wasn’t fully taken care of for a month. So most nights I was sleeping there, waiting for her to wake me up so I could get the bed pan (yes, I did say bed pan), or a drink of water, or a pain pill.

For three months I went to work, went to school and went to grandma’s. I don’t think I even looked in a mirror, I don’t remember taking many showers or even eating very much. One night I went out to a friend’s party in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, no makeup, hair in a ponytail and sneakers. To say I was underdressed was an understatement. I was kind of like a new mom, who hasn’t been out of the house much since her child was born and didn’t realize that she needed to actually get dressed up.

This time I am thankful that grandma’s injury was just arthritis, and that with a shift in medication, it was an easy fix. Tonight is the first night she has been on her own in almost a week. Tonight I get to sleep in my bed (with Pye). However, if I can get my days and nights back on the same schedule, that would be pretty cool right about now.

Resumes sent out this week: 1

Applications filled out this week: Still 0

Interviews set-up for this week:

Thing I am most grateful for today: Living upstairs

Thing I wish I had the most today: Outdoor cat

Thing I fear most: Snakes!

As I am writing this, there is a snake in my backyard . . .well it was out there about an hour again, so I migrated to my bedroom on the second floor. I realize that snakes can climb. Maybe not stairs by trees at least. Fortunately, there aren’t any large trees in my yard. And I am hoping that they can’t slither up vinyl siding.

I am afraid of snakes like some people of afraid of heights, or water, or spiders! While I feel that sometimes facing your fears can be a good thing, I also feel that not all fears need to be faced and conquered. And I am happy not to conquer this fear.

Why you might ask? Why should I not conquer this fear of snakes? Well, my answer my not be genetics, but I feel it was instilled in my at birth.

My mother has always had a healthy fear of snakes. When she was little she was a bit of a priss. She didn’t get dirty, unless she was gardening. While she and her siblings spent summers with my great aunt and uncle in the country, country critters weren’t her thing.

As a child she spent time in the hay barn and tended to some chickens, yet she stayed out of the hay loft. My cousins and uncles though one day it would be a hoot-and-a-half to play in the hay loft one afternoon. To their delight, there was a snake up there. Whether the snake was dead or they killed it is debatable at this point in time. But, the truth is, there was a dead snake . . .what could they do with it? Wouldn’t it be fun to play a trick with it?

My mother it seemed would eventually be the target of this trick. As she was exiting the barn below, my cousins and uncles dropped the snake from the hay loft door.

My mother vividly recalls the feeling of the dead snake as it wrapped around her and fell to the ground. She was paralyzed with fear and couldn’t move. She screamed and peed her pants at the same time. Her scream was so loud that my great-aunt heard it in the fruit and veggie cellar 3 acres away. My great-aunt came to my mother’s rescue. And wiped away her tears, got her a change of clothes, and beat the s*** out of my cousins and uncles.

Ok, with that being said, how does my mother’s story relate to me? Well thankfully I never had to endure what my mom went through. Yet, when confronted with a snake I have the same scream-at-the-top-of-my-lungs-paralyzed-with-fear-pee-my-pants kind of reaction. And I would be happy to never overcome this fear. And while fear is not something that can be passed through genetics, I believe that my mother’s fear is so strong, that something in her very being changed. And that change was passed to me.

What do you think?

Resumes sent out this week: Still 0

Applications send out this week: Still 0

Interviews for the week: Still 0

Thing I am most grateful for today: Money from my parents for allergy medication. Who knew the generic would cost $53.

So, big hot topic in the news the past week . . .BULLYINg

If you haven’t heard of Tyler Clementi, see the link below

Ok, with that being said, most of these weeks most noticable bullying stories come from 5 boys (including Clementi) who were bullied because of their sexuality or confusion there of. Not to say that these boys were confused about their sexuality, but most of them were under the age of 16, which is a time where sex in general is a confusing topic. Each of the five stories ends up the same. Each individual was bullied because of their sexuality and it ultimately ended in untimely suicides.

Teens have killed themselves over sexuality, lost romances, and general low self-esteem by bullies for years. I wonder why this is such a hot topic. With so many other gay issues (DADT, marriage, partner-rights, adoption) I wonder if this is just an agenda setting tactic to help keep gay issues in the forefront of people’s minds.

Ok, for those of you who regularly read my blog might be asking yourself, when did you get so down on the gays? I’m not down on the gays at all. I think what happened to Tyler Clementi was cruel to be sure. Did he deserve to feel like he was just a circus act and that his sexual escapades were up for the general public to watch, comment and criticize? Absolutely not. And, as I read earlier this week, gay teens are 8.4% more likely to commit suicide more than another teen group.

I recently read an article online from that discussed what steps parents should take when they find out that their child is the one doing the bullying. In most cases, bullies at a young age are suffering from self-esteem issues. They have either failed to gain friendship or lost friendship and that has created a loss of self-esteem. In other words, these children want there victims to feel as worthless as they feel. Something that parents have been trying to instill in the victims of bullying for years as well.

However, I believe that this is only part of the case. I believe that bullies have to learn this behavior somewhere. Whether its parents, teachers or other influential adults teach this behavior, under the guises that it is character building or it is all in good fun. Well, I can vouch for the fact that things done under the guise of all in good fun can hurt. I don’t believe the roommate of Tyler Clementi just thought I will stream this just because. I think it was instilled in him that it was ok and that it was all in good fun.

While I have dwelled on victims that have been bullied because of their sexuality, I don’t really want to dwell on this. Bullies bully anyone because of their shortcomings. And from someone who has been bullied for most of my life, there each person has their own shortcomings, so its easier to point out what you don’t like about someone else that to point out what you don’t like about yourself.

L.Z. Granderson is a columnist for ESPN. He regularly writes OP-ED pieces for CNN. His articles, much like the facets of his personality, are eclectic to say the least. While he is an openly gay man, he attempted suicide at the age of 12 because of bullying, but not because of his sexuality. Below is a link to the article he published this week. I hope this gives a look in the facets of bullying and brings more awareness to the situation.

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Interviews this week: 0

Applications this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: Ramen Noodles

I stand at crossroads and not sure what to take. If I listen to Robert Frost, I would take the road not travelled. Yet the road not travelled requires more money than I have. The road that has been travelled costs less, but keeps me further from where I want to be. Life just sometimes sucks.

Maybe I should look at this as the unanswered prayer. True I do want to stick around where I live to be closer to my grandmother in her final months. However, who knows when those final months will come. She says she has been dying for 4 years now. She doesn’t have cancer or some other kind of rapidly mutating disease (well, she does have Congestive Heart Failure, but its at the beginning stages. She isn’t quite glued to her oxygen yet).

If I stay here, I will need to find a job. Samantha has proven that is increasingly difficult. Samantha, who has a MBA, recently applied for a part-time teller position at a bank, since there really isn’t any need for her degree. My degree has even less potential here. Trying to find a third part-time job is also proving impossible, unless I want to work retail. Right now, I can’t work on my feet as much as I would like. I hurt so bad every night I come home and have been working more than 5 hours on my feet.

Getting out of Dodge was not to start over or find the man of my dreams (which I don’t think I will find here). It was to see how other people live. To see how other people in this country move within a culture (like eastern seaboard culture or Californian culture). I figure I will be different, I will stand out, but I have always been that way.

I haven’t applied for work for the past week because I am simply afraid. I am afraid that I will not find what I am looking for, or that I will find it and be too sacred to accept it. I am also afraid that if I don’t act soon, the road will no longer be crossed and I will have take what I can get. And I am tired of being afraid.

Resumes sent out this week: 2

Applications filled out: 1

Interviews this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for today: Tylenol PM

So, it’s becoming more and more apparent that I am not making enough money to survive. I have about $48 in my bank account. More than most, but not great. Samantha’s b-day is tomorrow. We are going to a bar for a Glee watch party. On Wednesday we are going out dinner. I can’t afford either outing or a gift. I thought about giving her a coupon book (like a free clean your bathroom, or free wash your car), however, her cleaning standards are better than mine, so that won’t work.

Today, I took my problems in my own hands. I sent a resume to Andrea at work. The law office is looking for part-time general office workers. I also filled out an application for national chain home decor store. Fingers crossed.

I have never taken on three jobs at once. I did for a short time work full-time, attend school full-time and work Job 2 once a month. That was hard!

I feel as if I don’t have a choice anymore. I have to stay here and find a big-girl job, and there isn’t as many opportunities for my field. So I am def feeling trapt!

This week my goal is to find part-time employment. Lets see how this experiment goes!

Resumes sent out this week: 0

interviews scheduled this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for today: A clean, safe environment to live in

Why haven’t I posted in like over a week? Two reasons. And this post will address both of them.

1. It’s primarily accountability. I am supposed to be writing this post primarily to address my job search. And well, I have definitely been falling down on that front. I feel as if I am letting you (my 6-ish readers, but on a good day up to 15-ish readers down.) While I have started blogs in the past and never published more than a handful of posts before abandoning them. And this blog has been so cathartic. I need to publish more . . .and job search more. And fill you in my no-money exploits.

2. For the past week I have been spending an incredible amount of time with friend David. On Friday I went with him and a few friends to Eve Yom Kippur services ( primarily to learn more about why as a Christian should I support Israel and Jews in general). Also I have been spending time with him at his partner’s home. David will be moving in with his partner at the beginning of October. However, until then, he is on a cleaning rampage, and I happen to be his first mate on this voyage.

David believes that everything has a place and there is a place for everything. He is a def type A personality, and while he can handle small bits of clutter, he can’t handle full-on mess. And I am a professional at making messes and cleaning messes. So, I have been helping David clean this house, one room at a time. And trying to improve the smell in the house (it’s a mix of dog, dog pee and smoke . . .YUCK!)

The first two rooms (his and his partner’s bedroom and the living room) went by fast. Tonight was the kitchen. And we didn’t even get half way done with this one. And by far this is the worst room in the house!

Rat poop abounds. The smell of moth balls and grease weigh heavy in the air. I am throughly disgusted. And whats worse. David’s partner and his roommate have lived like this for at least a year! I cannot imagine living like this for any amount of time.

While I realize that there are people who live in conditions worse than this, it makes me truly grateful for my living environment and the fact that I never had to live in an environment like this. So as I go to bed in my clean sheets, I know when I wake up in the morning I have not had to share my bran flakes with another creature in the middle of the night. I know that while I maybe broke, I am better off than most people in my situations. And tonight I feel truly grateful.

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Interviews this week: 1

Interviews next week: 0

Samantha is downstairs selling off the furniture her mother left her. Not because she doesn’t like it, or doesn’t need it. She does like it and she does need it. But she needs the money more.

If you look at our financial situation, Samantha’s money situation mirrors mine. It takes both of us to bring in about $1500 a month to pay all of our bills and to by food and gas. I am roughly bringing in about $600-900 a month currently. In fact, the only groceries I could afford this week was a bunch of bananas and a Lean Cuisine meal. I bought more food for Pye-D than I did for myself. And the cupboards are getting bare.

I find that many people who are recent college grads are having a hard time finding a job. Most (like myself) can rely on Mom and Dad to bail them out. While I can rely on my parents, I don’t want to. I hate the idea of moving back in with them, although that is fast become a reality that I am going to have to succumb to. I feel like I should be an adult and Yet I can’t.

Samantha doesn’t have the options I have. With both parents gone and little family, there is no one who can support her and her bills. In a month I am going to help her move the rest of her mother’s things out of storage (as she can no longer afford the $180 a month for the two storage units) and into a shed in her aunt’s backyard. One that will hopefully fit everything in it. However, I predict that if she doesn’t find a job soon, most of those items will be up for sale soon.

I hate credit cards and credit scores. I hate the increase price of heating gas and electricity. I hate that while my car insurance is decreasing, my renters insurance is not. I hate my cell phone company and basically any other bill I have to pay. I hate the increasing price of food, especially healthy food (ever notice how cheap unhealthy food is?).

Even though I have balanced my budget and have been trying to conserve what I can it is still not enough.

Lesson learned. While I hate to budget, I still have to do it.

Resumes sent out: Still 6

Interviews set-up: Still 1

As I write this post I am dying. Not a literal dead, but a physical one nonetheless. Tonight Samantha and I thought that a $5 footlong from Subway sounded like a good idea. BAD IDEA!

I had a Turkey sandwich for lunch, so really wasn’t feeling like another cold cut sandwich. Usually when I am not feeling like a cold cut sandwich I opt for a Pizza sub. However, Subway has removed the Pizza sub from the $5 footlongs, so I opted for the Meatball Marinara.

I guess I have never really fully tackled a full, footlong Meatball Marinara sub. If I had, I would have known I would not be able to eat all of it. Yet me an my thrifty ways . . .

Lately I have been in a bit of a financial bind, as I cannot depend on government aid as I did when I was in school. In fact I have to prepare for paying back all that lovely government aid starting in January. So as of late I have been trying to save every penny possible. So when I spend money on something I want to use/consume every last drop/crumb/morsel/etc.

So when I purchased the $5 footlong, I wanted to make the most of it. I got down to about the last 1/4 of the sandwich. And while I was full, I didn’t want to discard what was left of the sandwich in question (I knew if I saved it I probably wouldn’t come back to it later). So after much chiding of my ego, I finished the sandwich.

To say I was full to the gills was an understatement. After I finished the sandwich I went to my room to play with Pye-D. After she had enough, I was going to return to Samantha and Aiden (we were watching Season 3 of Weeds downstairs) and yet I couldn’t. I was having the worse stomach spasms. I thought I was going to throw up.

Eventually I made my way downstairs. Not to finish out the season of Weeds, but to get some water for Alka-Seltzer! I returned upstairs and consumed all the Alka-Seltzer and have been laying in bed dealing with my bad eating option.

Lesson learned . . .you are what you eat. And I am a big greasy, disgusting meatball sandwich!