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I know that I haven’t written in a while . . .a good while. And I normally start my postings off with job search related material . . .but not tonight. Tonight is different. I didn’t find my dream job . . .not yet anyway.

So why is tonight different? Well . . .it’s because of the day I had. And the questioning that goes with the day I had.

For years, I feel almost as if everyday is a “bad day.” A bit of a pessimistic view I know, but I kinda feel that way. The song “Bad Day” by Fuel, kinda of sums up the way I most days. S*** happens everyday. Sometimes its terrible like you total out your car in an accident, a family member or friend dies, getting your a$$ chewed by your boss for an hour for something they did and not you, having overdrawn your bank account and pay-day is 10 days away and you have no food or gas. Sometimes its breaking the heel or sole on your shoe, being 5 mins late for work, or forgetting a loved one’s birthday.

Sometimes you feel like absolute dog s*** and there isn’t anything you can do and sometimes you feel that way because there was something you could have done.

This week, I partook in an action in which I feel that I flushed all of my overpriced education down the drain. I knew better than to participate in this action, and yet I did so anyway, because those that were encouraging me to partake “knew better” or knew more about this particular area than I did. Or did they, because I “knew better” than to do this action.

There comes several times in everyone’s life that you have to stand up for something that you know is right or know to be true . . .or at least somewhat true. While making the decision whether or not to go along with this, I debated and expressed my concerns over this action. The information was there black and white . . .refuting my knowledge. And yet, I still “knew better.”

While I have been going over this in my head all day, it is making me question my career choice . . .whether or not I can do what it is that I have educated myself to do. In a situation like this hindsight is always 20/20. Yet I didn’t need hindsight to tell me the outcome.

There is a time when the student becomes the teacher and yet I still feel like I need to be mentored. So did I pick the right profession if I can’t do the right thing?

I’m back. And it has definitely been a while. Why has it been awhile?

Well, as you may recall, in November, my 88-year-old grandmother fell and broke her arm. She was in a rehab facility (nursing home) for three weeks and then went back home. When she went back home I stayed the night with her every night for a month straight. I slept semi-upright in a recliner. I was there every night for 12 hours only to get up and go to one of my other jobs in the morning. I did get reprieve the Wednesday before Christmas. And I have been trying to get caught up on my sleep in a more horizontal position ever since.

I know, a month to get used to sleeping in a bed?? Well, at least two weeks. My grandmother would get up most nights every two hours to pee or take some medication or something. So I would sleep in about 45 min – 90 min increments. And every time she would get up and pee, I would have to get up and pee. So while I could sleep in my bed theoretically undisturbed, I got used to waking up every two hours or so and peeing a few times in the night. I had to retrain my sleep cycles and my bladder to sleep during the night and not be overactive.

So what about the week or so?? Well, I have a new roommate. Aiden is moving in!! It’s amazing how three people with master’s degrees that work at least two part-time jobs and have good work histories cannot find decent jobs!! So to save money Aiden is moving in to help pay the bills. It help to decrease the rent and cable bill (we have cable so we can have Internet to apply for jobs. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have it)and to shoulder the burden of the utility bill. So I have been trying to clean up the cat room, so that Aiden can have a place to sleep, and move all of Pye’s food, litter box, kitty condo and miscellaneous chemical to clean up her messes and keep everything smelling pleasant into my room. I had to move, pack, and get rid of so much. If one thing that living on my own has taught me is that I can constantly live on less than I thought or have.

Just to let you in on anything you might have missed, I did have one very good job interview in December, still waiting to here about that one. I have had some good job leads, but no other interviews. My second job has closed up shop until March for renovations, so I am looking for a second part-time job (maybe one that pays a little bit better than what I was getting).

Other than that, life has been pretty much the same. There was the incident on New Years, but I will save that one for later.

All in all . . .its good to be back!

If you aren’t familiar with the website fmylife.com, you should get to know it very well. I am providing a link for you to check it out (after you read this post of course!)

http://www.fmylife.com/

Today is very much a FML kinda day. I am supposed to graduate in 15 days, and crisis sets in. The interview files I submitted to my instructor are corrupted. Lost and gone forever. This was worth roughly 20% of my final grade.

I figure that I am probably going to be getting a B in this class . . .fine . . .it will bring down my 3.8 GPA. However, now its is looking like a low C . . .really bringing down my GPA, and will be looking fabulous on my transcripts. It will match my grades for my undergraduate economics classes and will go great with the D I got in news reporting. It’s not longer about making it to the finish line, but how well you got there.

I am trying to take this on the chin, but that’s really hard. I need this class to graduate. If I don’t pass, I don’t graduate, simple as that. I’m sure they will probably let me walk and all, but I will still need to take one class next semester to earn the credits worthy of my graduation. And I will have to deal with the class that broke me. It will be on my transcript, like a bad stain that doesn’t come out of your favorite shirt!

In a bit, I am going to take a long bath, with a glass of wine. And probably cry myself to sleep. After 9 years of higher education, I can’t believe there is one class that broke me. One class that couldn’t do what others have succeeded and failed. I will have to deal with the fact that not matter how hard I tried there is once thing that I couldn’t tackle. The tears are welling up as I type . . .time for the tub.

Days To Graduation: 20

Stress Level: Off all charts

So tonight I had a break down. Not a big one, but still moderately sized. And I realize some things . . .I am not an analytical person! I hate structure! My boundaries are organic in nature. So to put me in a square box, does not work, and tends to make me very cranky!

It’s why I hate the class I am taking. It’s why I am so stressed out. Its I am now afraid to enter the world of work.

I was excited to graduate and find a job. And now I’m afraid I will get another inflexible boss to tells me to be flexible in a rigid world. It doesn’t work. Since I moved back to my hometown, I have had nothing but inflexible bosses who tell me to be flexible in inflexible situations they have created. I doesn’t work . . .

I am also afraid I will be a round peg in a square hole . . .meaning that I fit, but not entirely. Of course, that is my life. I have never fit in. I am truly a non-conformist. I have problems conforming, because conforming = structure and as we learn . . .I don’t do well with structure.

I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready to prove that I can move half-way across the country and be fine by myself. I am just afraid of the work environment. Oh well . . .here goes nothing!

Days to graduation: 21

Today I was lazy . . .really, really lazy. I bought 2 meals out, 2 air filters, picked up my clothes on layaway, changed an air filter on the furnace . . .and that’s really about it. I just couldn’t bring myself to do my homework.

When I get really stressed out, I tend to put as much space between myself and my stressor. I really can’t afford a day off like today, however since I slept like 12 + hours today, something is telling me that I needed this.

So tonight I am going to sleep knowing what tomorrow brings . . .lots of work. Maybe today helped me prepare for tomorrow . . .maybe.

I’m posting a bit early today. Most days I don’t post until after 8:00 pm, but I fear I won’t make it that far today. I have been overtaken by my last class. The stress had gotten to me. Last night before I went to bed I had about 4 Rolaid Soft Chews.

I didn’t get to sleep until after 1 am. Then at 4 am, I was awoken by the stomach acid that was lining my esophagus and throat. I really wanted more sleep, yet I couldn’t push away the overwhelming urge to throw up. I tried to throw up, I really did. Finally after belching away for 30 mins (gross . . .I know) and 4 more Rolaid Soft Chew I went back to bed 45 mins. later, only to be awoken 3 hours later by my alarm. After accidentally turning it off, I overslept and was late to work by 20 mins.

Work was blah, and all I wanted to do was come home and work on my homework and final project. With most of part 2 of my final project done, and a cold shower (since I feel like I’m walking on the Sun right now) I am now typing this lovely diatribe. I am going to take a nap about 5 mins. after I finish this, and hope when I wake up I feel better. Or at least good enough to do my homework tonight. (I am predicting 3 hours, as it took me 2 hours last week).

I leave you good folks out in Cyberland (no Rent definition applies) with a head full of sleep and a stomach full or churning acid. Yesterday, I was worried I might not get through this class in one piece. Today, I am just trying to make it through the week in one piece. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Days to Graduation: 26

Today I kinda of confused. Which let me to be upset most of this evening. This my last class has become overwhelming. And I feel like I have been doing all the leg work for my instructors research (while I have no formal evidence of this . . .it was like a duck, quack like a duck . . .just saying). I am working hard-core at both jobs, sending out resumes and trying to pack up my life for the 7th time in five years. UM . .. HELP PLEASE!

Seriously . . .I don’t have the time to deal with this s***! And I don’t particularly want to. Its times like these I am reminded that I am an adult, life isn’t fair, and I will make it through this . . .at least I hope so.

So tonight I am going to go to bed early. Tomorrow I will go to work, come home and work ferociously on my homework. I’m just going to try to pass this last class. Any advise, would be helpful!

Ok, as most of you know I am about to graduate from college with my master’s degree . . .maybe. Right now I am taking an online summer class. The instructor seems to think that everyone in the class has nothing better to do than homework all day everyday. I spent two hours on Monday Night reading 5 scholarly journal articles and 3 book chapters and answering 7 rather lengthy discussion questions. I was brain-dead afterward.

I realize I am in a graduate level class. I realize graduate level coursework is demanding. Yet, I feel like this class is verbose for the sake of being verbose. This week my assignments include:

1. Doing the course reading
2. Answering the discussion questions and post them to the discussion thread, by Tuesday at 11:00 pm
3. Reading at least three other posts and comment/ask questions about them by Thursday at 11:00 pm
4. Read an article by an entrepreneur about when they started their ventures and write a 1-2 page essay complete with title and reference page in APA format by Friday at 8:00 pm
5. Finish parts 1 and 2 (of 5) of the final project by 8:00 pm on Monday.

Seriously? I have been trying to dig in my heels like Elle Woods, but that was a movie. She didn’t have to work going through school. She could spend all the time she wanted studying for class. And she persevered through. While I am preserving through and trying to think that there are so many people in class that have it worse than I do (i.e. people with full-time jobs and families, or my friend who just started training at a new job and working 14 hour days).

So here is where I am going to stop. I need to finish some laundry and start working on my essay. Its time to suck it up . . .man up . . .and just do it. Your help and prayers would be greatly appreciated!