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Thing I am most grateful for: Having a roof over my head . . .for now.

At night when it is time for me to go to sleep I try to concentrated on the ticking of the clock in my bathroom. While concentrating on the ticking I think of the future. I think of my fantasy man.

Every single girl (and some taken girls too) thinks about that man of her dreams, man of her current (celebrity) crush, or at least the idea of that man. For the past couple months the man of my dreams has been my celebrity crush . . .that was until last night . . .when he cheated on me.

If this is my fantasy, why did I choose to dream him up and have him do that to me. Did I mention in my fantasy I had also just found out I was pregnant when I found out he cheated on me?

Ok . . .how did my fantasy go awry? Is this indicative of how I see my future relationships going?

I have only been in one relationship where the guy cheated on me. And I didn’t find out until after we broke up. So, it’s not really a big concern of mine when I enter into a relationship. I mean, if a guy cheats on me, I would probably be upset and it would definitely be the end of the relationship.

I guess I should look at it through the perspective of celebrity and the power that’s behind it. How both men and women (some men and women, not all) want to be with someone who has some power. In my fantasy last night I caught my dream man cheating on me with some hot, skinny, attractive asian girl in a YouTube video. He was out hobnobbing at a bar and this girl plastered herself on him. The video was of them making-out with their hands all over each other.

I understand that celebrity has power. Look at Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton or Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. (btw . . .my (former) celebrity crush is not in politics or a back-up pop dancer . . .or involved in the music business). There is that pull of power.

Is there a lesson to be learned from all this?? I guess it might be don’t fall for the power of celebrity. Maybe its pick your celebrity crushes better.

BTW . . .I know in earlier posts I have mentioned that I was looking for a relationship opportunity. I haven’t found that yet. And it’s not looking good. I guess I really should be grateful that I am single, and that I am still happy that way. And I could live my life this way and be happy.

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Thing I am most grateful for today: Storm Chasers (yes the tv show)

Yesterday I posted that I can’t wait for my life to start . . .or at least my post-graduate life to start. And by post-graduate life, I mean dating life. I was waiting to move to another place and start dating. However, since moving right now is out of the question, I have to start now or never.

Also yesterday, I asked how I was going to go about this. I posted on my Facebook account that I was looking for a bargain basement man. I got a few responses from a couple of friends. One was to go to Electric Cowboy (a chain cowboy bar). However, the Electric Cowboy in my town has actually turned into a cowboy bar. And you know that cowboys have a saying “No Fat Chicks!” So. . .let’s move on from that.

My friend David suggested that I deserve better than a bargain basement man. I told him that what I am looking at ain’t looking back at me . . .therefore I must bargain basement bin dive. I love you David . . .but let’s get real.

Another friend told me that I should find a guy in prison. Her rationale was that I could have all the fun (conjugal visits) without all the mess. I told her that I simply love her idea of practicality, but her romance was dead. No way did I want to have sex in a gray 8’x8′ room with only a bed that numerous people have had sex on. YUCK!

So . . .how am I gonna go about this?

I posted this little online story on my Facebook today

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/11/03/online.dating.netiquette/index.html

I know we should drop the stigma of online dating. Like we should drop the stigma of mental illness or homosexuality. However, by participating in online dating I feel as if I am setting myself up for failure.

Some of you are asking why. It would probably appear that I have nothing to lose so why not go for it. Well. . . there is more at stake.

I have put up profiles on various websites. I have responded to various personal ads. And well . . .there hasn’t been any success. In fact, I feel as if I am a failure at love anyway. So when I find a guy on a personals ad, that seems to be pretty interesting and you send him a message and you get no response. And then you take a look at those men that looked at your profile and you feel a bit repulsed . . .I mean what about this does say failure . . .seriously.

Ok . . .I did say I want a bargain basement man. So what is my definition of a bargain basement man? Well, its different for every girl. Basically start out with your ideal man. I tend to go for the general tall, dark and handsome. Add a dash of muscles and outdoorsy-ness and a pinch of a man who isn’t afraid of hard work you pretty much got what I am looking for. Bargain basement version of this man would be tall, not dark and so-so in the handsome (personality makes up for that though) department. Muscles are vague, outdoorsy . . .well maybe not as much as I would like and someone who could still do some kind of hard work (like yard work).

So the term bargain basement man, is pretty harsh to say the least. I really don’t know of any man who would want to be considered a bargain basement man. And with this analogy I have decided that I am not ready to date! Therefore, off the market again to work on myself! YAY!

(In case you didn’t know, I am secretly afraid of dating. I look for any reason that I need to work on myself and take myself off the market!)

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Thing I am most grateful for: Having 2 jobs in a tough economy

This week I have come to the resignation that I will be in this town a couple of more years at least. It’s not so bad. I like living here. I was always going to come back here to retire, like my parents. I just haven’t seen as much of the world as they had when they were my age.

The biggest resignation that I had this week was the fact that if I want to start dating again I am going to have to do it here . . .in this town. The thought of this scares me as most personal ads for men my age have something in the first paragraph along the lines of “I have two sons that are my world,” or “I have the three-year old daughter who is the light of my life.”

Well if they are your world or the light of your life then why do you need a relationship. Isn’t having the light or the world enough?

I guess I should digress at that point. I guess these men want someone to have an adult conversation with . . .along with other adult fun. I also realize in this part of the country most men have been married and divorced at least once by the time they are my age. And as I and these men get older, the likelihood that they are going to have children goes up exponentially.

So I figure if I start dating now, I might be able to find a man with out kids . . .maybe. I just don’t know how to start this process. Any suggestions?

Resumes submitted this week: 2

ROMEO
I dream’d a dream to-night.
MERCUTIO
And so did I.
ROMEO
Well, what was yours?
MERCUTIO
That dreamers often lie.
ROMEO
In bed asleep, while they do dream things true.
MERCUTIO
O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.
—William Shakespeare

I have weird dream. Seriously weird. I can usually recall two or three of my dreams each night. And they just get weirder as the night progresses. And last night was no different.

I kept on waking up in the middle of the night, each dream was weirder than the last. I remember the first one as I was in a tall office building, the kind where they have two elevators to go to different parts of the building. I was looking out a window on a sunny day. All of the sudden here come a miniature tornado, barreling towards the building I’m in. I remember thinking, “how odd, that tornado doesn’t go all the way to the sky, yet it is going to bring this building down.” And then I woke up.

I was a little shaken so I turned the tv on. I continued to have weird dreams all night. Waking up every hour or two. And then I had the weirdest dream of all . . .I was getting married!

Yes, something I freak out about . . .getting married. What was really odd about this marriage was the fact that it was at 11:00 am and I was picking out my dress at 10:40 am and I wasn’t even sure the groom was going to show up. Like I was having this wedding and I forgot to tell the groom when it was. And apparently everyone else. As I went to pick up/out my dress I passed by 5 churches and everyone would come out and ask me if this was the time and location of the wedding. I was grateful my cousin was there to keep me on track for my wedding.

Even weirder . . .I had already pick out my wedding colors (a very deep, rich purple and a very brilliant white). These are not the colors I would like to think I would pick for my wedding. I had also picked out the bridesmaid’s dresses. They were strapless (yuck!) purple a-line ball gowns with beading around the bust and down the sides. And the photographer also knew about the colors and bridesmaids before I said anything.

I did a little dream interpretation and it said that a dream like this represents the union of my masculine and feminine characteristics. HUH? Say what?? I thought it would be something along the lines of my anxieties towards commitment . . .but I guess I will go with this. As I look back on the dream, I wasn’t nervous about marrying someone I fictious, I was nervous that the groom wouldn’t show up because he didn’t know when the wedding was taking place.

Maybe this does represent a union of something. Maybe its contradictions. As I don’t want to marry, but I am looking to start a relationship . . .eventually. So, maybe a rushed wedding will be in my future. Hopefully, not in the near future.

Sweet dreams everyone!

Apparently the ABC network is introducing a show called My Generation. This show is about a handful of people who graduated in 2000 and where their lives have taken them in the 10 years since they graduated high school. Some have gone on and accomplished great things and some have just merely scraped by. Needless to say, I don’t think I will be watching this show . . .as I am already too familiar with this subject.

Since I have been getting in touch with my 15/16-year-old self, I am reminded that I am getting older. And as my 10 high school reunion is coming up (btw . . .I would rather dental surgery than go to my high school reunion. True, dental surgery isn’t fun, but at least you get drugs and jello with dental surgery. With a high school reunion you just get shame and misery . . .more jello please!) I am constantly inundated with the fact that I was/am in the generation that was going to lead us to tomorrow. We are bright and smart and gifted . . .and of course to have non-padded, gavel, rock and metal playgrounds.

True, I know several people my age that are out there doing great things for humanity, living their dreams, and otherwise good citizens. Yet, it seems that self-entitlement has not fallen on generations before mine, but more like mine. So I also know my share of that . . .well lets just say, life isn’t going the best for them.

As for my life . . .well, I am more blessed than I realize. Yet, I don’t need some high school reunion to remind me that it has taken me more than a while to finish school (I finished my undergrad in 4 years . . .my graduate degree in 2, yet it has taken me 10 years to get both and no substantial career. Not to mention, I went to high school in the South (not the Dirty South . . .just the conservative, traditional, you need a husband and babies to be happy South). So, since I am not down with the husband and kids thing, this could get ugly! Plus, there are more people there I want to avoid than to see.

Ok . . .sorry for the trip into self-pity alley. But I feel as if I haven’t accomplished anything in life really. I guess as I take my next steps into the world, I might feel better about this. In the words of Paula Cole (and yes, the theme song to Dawson’s Creek) “I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be!” Time to head out into the world . . .any suggestions along the way?

Have you ever watch a television show, movie, or other program, that made you feel so alive? I have. On Thursday I bought seasons 1 & 2 of Dawson’s Creek . . .a.k.a best television show ever!

When I was 15 I this was the show I anticipated the most. And needless to say it was not disappointing . . .prompting me to watch it every Tuesday (then Wednesday) night. I def rooted for Joey in her quest to win the affection of Dawson (and eventually Pacey). I watched the characters go through the same trials and tribulations as I was going through.

I have really reconnected with my 15/16-year-old self. Maybe I should say what was good about my 15/16-year-old self. While watching this show I remember what it was like to have a crush on a guy that was your best friend (and to finally get him), normal teen angst, and of course, being embarrassed by your family.

As I watch the show there are things that I don’t think I picked up on when I was watching it then. There is more sexual innuendo than I remember (and I remember a lot of sexual innuendo, my personal favorite being “flog the bishop”). And then there are other things I remember . . .like dialogue (“this baby will be 100% loved”).

What I am surprised that I remember . . .was how this show made me feel. Happy, excited, anxious, nervous, upset, frustrated and sublime bliss. Tonight, I haven’t stopped smiling . . .and it only gets bigger with every episode I watch (btw . . .I am currently watching my fifth episode of the evening Sn 2 Ep. 6). It reminds me of a time with I wasn’t so jaded about love, no matter how complicated it got. And love def gets complicated. As I am finding out, love only gets more complicated as you grow older.

Has this renewed my faith in love . . .maybe. I just know that if I could feel this way, all day, I would def hold on to what it was that gave me this feeling. However, right now its just Dawson’s Creek. And that’s good enough for me.

Days to Graduation: 8

Final Grade: Apparently M.I.A.

Likelihood of Graduation: Getting slimmer by the moment

Sorry I didn’t write last night. I should have, I slept like maybe 3 hours last night. I apparently had time. Don’t know why I didn’t. However, let’s get on with our story. However, most likely the allergies that are raging here are keeping me from doing anything really. So . . .lets move on.

Semi Precious Weapons took the stage around 8:00 pm. Usually I am up for listening to any new artist or band or any genre. I however, was not taken by the sounds coming from the this band. In all honesty I think the guitarist thought he was Jimi Hendrix incarnate. However, his musical stylings came off like a bad heavy metal guitarist and ruined my first impression of this band. The next impression, wasn’t that good either. Justin Tranter the lead singer of the band seems to have a David Bowie thing going on. Like he thinks he is David Bowie . . .without the following. To me, I thought he was too gay to function. Needless to say, I would have been happier to have missed the opening act.

Ok . . .probably not fair after I dissed this band so much but here is the benefit to my doubt. First and foremost, no matter how good or bad someone is, the fact that they courage to take the stage is something more than I myself am willing to do. So props to them for that. Moving on . . .I did a little research (and by little, I mean Google in Wikipedia and a couple of other websites) about Semi Precious Weapons and their front man. According to Wikipedia, Semi Precious Weapons is a “Filthy Glamour” brand of rock music and espouse a “Dirty Showbiz” philosophy.” I would have gone with Glam Rock . . .so maybe close. All the member of the band graduated from Berklee School of Music. Tranter also took Business Management classes and graduated after 3 years with a 3.9 GPA. Tranter also has his own line of jewelry called “fettY” that is sold at Barney’s New York. (If you feel so lead, you can check it out http://www.barneys.com/Jewelry/JEWEL01,default,sc.html?prefn1=designer&prefv1=fettY) I did check out the jewelry line and did not find much I liked. But then again, I really didn’t like the band so I wasn’t expecting too much.

Moving on . . .after a 20 min intermission it was time for the main event. Coming out in a spectacular purple leather motorcycle jacket complete with linebacker size gold incrusted shoulders was the one and only Lady Gaga! It was AWESOME! The first was probably my favorite with all the neon lights . . .I totally want the one that says “SexyUgly.”

What can I say about this show that probably hasn’t already. Spectacular, creative, awesome, impressive . . .the list could go on and on . . .and the list will go on in part 3. Don’t you just love cliffhangers.

Today provided me lots of entertainment. First and foremost the “informational session” was about selling insurance and annuities. That really isn’t my cup of tea. However, there will be better opportunities down the road.

There were two things of interest to me. Jason Stackhouse and the Gay Baby! We will start with the former.

In the “informational session” I went to there was a guy who looked some much like Jason Stackhouse, it was frightening. Same blond hair, same build, same dumb doe-caught-in-headlights look in his eyes. Much like the picture below.

I kept looking at him like, OMG . . .You are the physicality of a fictional character. After he finally realized I was watching him off an on during the “informational session” he started looking back at me. I wasn’t really interested in him . . .but I think he thought that I was. It totally made the “informational session” worth it.

I really kinda thought nothing could top the Jason Stackhouse sighting. . .until I went to work. That’s where I found the Gay Baby . . .more like he found me.

Tonight was really rainy. So anyone walking by the store most likely decided to pop in to browse until the rain let up. Enter Stage Left, a mother and her child. The child is probably about 18-24 mos. and is wearing a ball cap and sitting in a stroller. The mother is wet, yet the child is not.

As the mother started walking towards me, I acknowledge her and she acknowledge me. The child proceeded to tell his mother that he was wet (from the rain . . .not the diaper). He mother assured him he was only a little wet. He proceeded to take off his hat and tell her how wet it was. Ok . . .I’m thinking . . .just a complaining kid.

Moving on, as his mother continues to browse, the kid spots a naked mannequin and says “Look . . .BOOBIES!” I ask his mother if he gets that from his father, and she assures me that is not the case. She also told me that they cannot go near a lingerie department with him, because he will scream “BOOBIES!” at the top of his lungs. I buy this and go on with my tasks.

A little while later, I here the kid say “That’s ugly. I don’t like it.” The kid doesn’t hold back. And children at this age are nothing but honest.” I turn to the mom, to which she tells me, he doesn’t like denim. Ok . . .this kid is def gay. By this point, I really want to follow the kid and his mom around to see what else comes out of his mouth. You know me. I’m always up for meeting a new gay man. However, not one so new to this Earth.

The kid is really demanding. “Take me outside,” “Put that down,” and “I’m ready to leave.” After a few mins. the rain lets up and the mom is getting ready to leave. As she leaves the kid starts screaming “Gaga, Gaga.” Ok, so the kid has a vocabulary and tends to speak in small, but complete sentences. He does babble like a baby. So I am assume that this Gaga rant pertains to the one and only Lady Gaga . . .because, what gay man doesn’t love the Gaga.

As the mother and the Gay Baby exit stage right, I hear one more of the kid’s demands. “Don’t bump my piggies.” Basically don’t run my feet into the door. What 2 year-old says that?

Today was probably one of the best days of my life. It’s really the simple things that make me happy. And apparently I can count Jason Stackhouse and Gay Babies as simple things! If I could have a gay baby, I think I might rethink children altogether . . .lol. I leave you with the gay baby test as seen on scrubs . . .enjoy!

The Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy is something that has been hush-hush in the media for weeks now. Many interest groups are trying to get the law eliminating the DADT policy and allowing homosexual men and women into the armed forces.

There are so many homosexual issues out (pardon the pun) right now. DADT is only one of the few that I am currently following. With all of these issues is makes me wonder why in 2010, we are still having to deal with these things? Gay marriage . . .let them do it. Homosexuals in the armed forces . . .let them join. Homosexual Couples doing . . .let them have children.

As I look at those things mentioned above, they all seem like things that I’m not interested in myself (marriage, serving in the armed force or adopting a baby). I can’t help but feel like a waste, since I can do any of these things without any questions. For me, all I have to do is just fill out a few forms, and voila . . .I’m a married woman with an adopted child, serving in the armed forces.

Yet for several of my friends, any all these things aren’t possible. It makes me sad because they would be so much better than I would be at any of these things. In fact studies show this!

If you disagree with me, let me know. And more importantly, let me know why. I would so like to understand why people disagree with this.

Tonight, Samantha and I went out to dinner with our gay friend “David.” We both have known David for about 6 years now. We have watched him in various relationships, hook-ups and other gay connections. Two months ago David introduced us to “James.” David and James have been together about three months now. It’s hard to separate the two of them. When they have problems, they talk them out. They cook and clean together. They are looking to move in together at the end of the summer. When they came out of Wal-Mart in the rain yesterday, James went and got the car, loaded the groceries and opened the front door, so that David wouldn’t have to get wet.

Yes I am officially jealous. But it wasn’t an easy road for David to go to get to James. And the same thing can be said for James. Two good men have apparently found each other. And whats more, is that while this is a new relationship, they are constantly working on the relationship together to create a life.

Ok . . .yesterday I talked about a specific adage. Today, I want to talk about another adage. We have all heard “all the good men are taken or gay.” Well, let’s dispute the rumor. It’s fair to say that there are a lot of heterosexual men, who aren’t good, but are in relationships. Take David’s father. David’s father beat not only him and his sister but his mother as well. He frequently cheated on his wife in front of her and was an all around bad guy. David’s mother and father have been separated for 3 years now. But they have been married for over 40 years. So, its safe to say, even the bad ones are taken.

I have witnessed a lot of gay relationships over the past few years. The same things going on in David’s parent’s relationship, go on way too often the gay male community. I have seen men beaten past recognition. I know men who have picked up STDs because of a cheating partner. So there are bad gay men in relationships as well.

So why do we say “all the good men are taken or gay?” Is it because the men we want are unavailable? Or is it because this is our only solace when we crush on someone who isn’t available?

All I do know is that watching David and James in a functional relationship (gay or hetero) lets me hope that there is someone out there that is willing to work on a relationship to make it work. True, James is a very good man and taken. That doesn’t make me want him. That just makes me want to work a relationship when I do find a good, available man. What about you . . .is your man good?