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Resumes submitted this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 0

Interviews scheduled for the week: 0

New jobs to start this week: 1

Thing I am most grateful for: Additional income

So, the interview that I had earlier this week kind of went as planned. He didn’t know I was coming, but interviewed me anyway. Interview went on about 45 mins, yet felt like 2 hours. And today, I got the call that I got the job!!! I would just like to say that this is just a job. Not quite a career. Yet it pays decent, with the potential for a raise in 6 months.

Moving on . . .

I hope you all had a very nice Valentine’s/Singles Awareness Day. Some of my single friends had a tough day. I don’t know why, but Valentine’s day is easier when I am single then when I was in a relationship. There is no pressure to find the perfect gift, plan the perfect dinner, or find the sexiest lingerie.

My roommates, Samantha and Aiden still think that they can find me a man. Maybe the could, but I’m not sure I want one anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t start batting for the same-sex team. Yet, its like I know.

Samantha has recently been named maid-of-honor for a wedding in the summer for 2012. She has been working on planning guides and buying bridal magazines. Apparently The Knot has a big wedding dress issue this month.

Usually when I am in the kitchen cooking I work on doing some dishes and cleaning while waiting for water to boil and such. Lately, the dishes have been done and counters have been wiped down. So the other day, while waiting on my spaghetti to cook, I flipped through the issue of The Knot. There are some truly beautiful wedding dresses for this season. Yet, I couldn’t imagine myself in a single one. Page after page I looked at the wedding dresses. There wasn’t even one or two that I thought I would like with some alterations. NOT A SINGLE STINKIN DRESS!

I don’t know what that means . . .but I’m pretty sure that I am not the wedding isn’t in the cards for me. And surprisingly, I’m ok with that. What do you think?

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Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 1

Interviews scheduled this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: Having a roof over my head . . .for now.

At night when it is time for me to go to sleep I try to concentrated on the ticking of the clock in my bathroom. While concentrating on the ticking I think of the future. I think of my fantasy man.

Every single girl (and some taken girls too) thinks about that man of her dreams, man of her current (celebrity) crush, or at least the idea of that man. For the past couple months the man of my dreams has been my celebrity crush . . .that was until last night . . .when he cheated on me.

If this is my fantasy, why did I choose to dream him up and have him do that to me. Did I mention in my fantasy I had also just found out I was pregnant when I found out he cheated on me?

Ok . . .how did my fantasy go awry? Is this indicative of how I see my future relationships going?

I have only been in one relationship where the guy cheated on me. And I didn’t find out until after we broke up. So, it’s not really a big concern of mine when I enter into a relationship. I mean, if a guy cheats on me, I would probably be upset and it would definitely be the end of the relationship.

I guess I should look at it through the perspective of celebrity and the power that’s behind it. How both men and women (some men and women, not all) want to be with someone who has some power. In my fantasy last night I caught my dream man cheating on me with some hot, skinny, attractive asian girl in a YouTube video. He was out hobnobbing at a bar and this girl plastered herself on him. The video was of them making-out with their hands all over each other.

I understand that celebrity has power. Look at Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton or Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. (btw . . .my (former) celebrity crush is not in politics or a back-up pop dancer . . .or involved in the music business). There is that pull of power.

Is there a lesson to be learned from all this?? I guess it might be don’t fall for the power of celebrity. Maybe its pick your celebrity crushes better.

BTW . . .I know in earlier posts I have mentioned that I was looking for a relationship opportunity. I haven’t found that yet. And it’s not looking good. I guess I really should be grateful that I am single, and that I am still happy that way. And I could live my life this way and be happy.

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 0

Interviews scheduled for this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for today: Storm Chasers (yes the tv show)

Yesterday I posted that I can’t wait for my life to start . . .or at least my post-graduate life to start. And by post-graduate life, I mean dating life. I was waiting to move to another place and start dating. However, since moving right now is out of the question, I have to start now or never.

Also yesterday, I asked how I was going to go about this. I posted on my Facebook account that I was looking for a bargain basement man. I got a few responses from a couple of friends. One was to go to Electric Cowboy (a chain cowboy bar). However, the Electric Cowboy in my town has actually turned into a cowboy bar. And you know that cowboys have a saying “No Fat Chicks!” So. . .let’s move on from that.

My friend David suggested that I deserve better than a bargain basement man. I told him that what I am looking at ain’t looking back at me . . .therefore I must bargain basement bin dive. I love you David . . .but let’s get real.

Another friend told me that I should find a guy in prison. Her rationale was that I could have all the fun (conjugal visits) without all the mess. I told her that I simply love her idea of practicality, but her romance was dead. No way did I want to have sex in a gray 8’x8′ room with only a bed that numerous people have had sex on. YUCK!

So . . .how am I gonna go about this?

I posted this little online story on my Facebook today

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/11/03/online.dating.netiquette/index.html

I know we should drop the stigma of online dating. Like we should drop the stigma of mental illness or homosexuality. However, by participating in online dating I feel as if I am setting myself up for failure.

Some of you are asking why. It would probably appear that I have nothing to lose so why not go for it. Well. . . there is more at stake.

I have put up profiles on various websites. I have responded to various personal ads. And well . . .there hasn’t been any success. In fact, I feel as if I am a failure at love anyway. So when I find a guy on a personals ad, that seems to be pretty interesting and you send him a message and you get no response. And then you take a look at those men that looked at your profile and you feel a bit repulsed . . .I mean what about this does say failure . . .seriously.

Ok . . .I did say I want a bargain basement man. So what is my definition of a bargain basement man? Well, its different for every girl. Basically start out with your ideal man. I tend to go for the general tall, dark and handsome. Add a dash of muscles and outdoorsy-ness and a pinch of a man who isn’t afraid of hard work you pretty much got what I am looking for. Bargain basement version of this man would be tall, not dark and so-so in the handsome (personality makes up for that though) department. Muscles are vague, outdoorsy . . .well maybe not as much as I would like and someone who could still do some kind of hard work (like yard work).

So the term bargain basement man, is pretty harsh to say the least. I really don’t know of any man who would want to be considered a bargain basement man. And with this analogy I have decided that I am not ready to date! Therefore, off the market again to work on myself! YAY!

(In case you didn’t know, I am secretly afraid of dating. I look for any reason that I need to work on myself and take myself off the market!)

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 0

Interviews this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: Having 2 jobs in a tough economy

This week I have come to the resignation that I will be in this town a couple of more years at least. It’s not so bad. I like living here. I was always going to come back here to retire, like my parents. I just haven’t seen as much of the world as they had when they were my age.

The biggest resignation that I had this week was the fact that if I want to start dating again I am going to have to do it here . . .in this town. The thought of this scares me as most personal ads for men my age have something in the first paragraph along the lines of “I have two sons that are my world,” or “I have the three-year old daughter who is the light of my life.”

Well if they are your world or the light of your life then why do you need a relationship. Isn’t having the light or the world enough?

I guess I should digress at that point. I guess these men want someone to have an adult conversation with . . .along with other adult fun. I also realize in this part of the country most men have been married and divorced at least once by the time they are my age. And as I and these men get older, the likelihood that they are going to have children goes up exponentially.

So I figure if I start dating now, I might be able to find a man with out kids . . .maybe. I just don’t know how to start this process. Any suggestions?

Resumes sent out this week: Still 0

Applications send out this week: Still 0

Interviews for the week: Still 0

Thing I am most grateful for today: Money from my parents for allergy medication. Who knew the generic would cost $53.

So, big hot topic in the news the past week . . .BULLYINg

If you haven’t heard of Tyler Clementi, see the link below

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tyler_Clementi

Ok, with that being said, most of these weeks most noticable bullying stories come from 5 boys (including Clementi) who were bullied because of their sexuality or confusion there of. Not to say that these boys were confused about their sexuality, but most of them were under the age of 16, which is a time where sex in general is a confusing topic. Each of the five stories ends up the same. Each individual was bullied because of their sexuality and it ultimately ended in untimely suicides.

Teens have killed themselves over sexuality, lost romances, and general low self-esteem by bullies for years. I wonder why this is such a hot topic. With so many other gay issues (DADT, marriage, partner-rights, adoption) I wonder if this is just an agenda setting tactic to help keep gay issues in the forefront of people’s minds.

Ok, for those of you who regularly read my blog might be asking yourself, when did you get so down on the gays? I’m not down on the gays at all. I think what happened to Tyler Clementi was cruel to be sure. Did he deserve to feel like he was just a circus act and that his sexual escapades were up for the general public to watch, comment and criticize? Absolutely not. And, as I read earlier this week, gay teens are 8.4% more likely to commit suicide more than another teen group.

I recently read an article online from Parenting.com that discussed what steps parents should take when they find out that their child is the one doing the bullying. In most cases, bullies at a young age are suffering from self-esteem issues. They have either failed to gain friendship or lost friendship and that has created a loss of self-esteem. In other words, these children want there victims to feel as worthless as they feel. Something that parents have been trying to instill in the victims of bullying for years as well.

However, I believe that this is only part of the case. I believe that bullies have to learn this behavior somewhere. Whether its parents, teachers or other influential adults teach this behavior, under the guises that it is character building or it is all in good fun. Well, I can vouch for the fact that things done under the guise of all in good fun can hurt. I don’t believe the roommate of Tyler Clementi just thought I will stream this just because. I think it was instilled in him that it was ok and that it was all in good fun.

While I have dwelled on victims that have been bullied because of their sexuality, I don’t really want to dwell on this. Bullies bully anyone because of their shortcomings. And from someone who has been bullied for most of my life, there each person has their own shortcomings, so its easier to point out what you don’t like about someone else that to point out what you don’t like about yourself.

L.Z. Granderson is a columnist for ESPN. He regularly writes OP-ED pieces for CNN. His articles, much like the facets of his personality, are eclectic to say the least. While he is an openly gay man, he attempted suicide at the age of 12 because of bullying, but not because of his sexuality. Below is a link to the article he published this week. I hope this gives a look in the facets of bullying and brings more awareness to the situation.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/10/05/granderson.it.gets.better/index.html

Have you ever watch a television show, movie, or other program, that made you feel so alive? I have. On Thursday I bought seasons 1 & 2 of Dawson’s Creek . . .a.k.a best television show ever!

When I was 15 I this was the show I anticipated the most. And needless to say it was not disappointing . . .prompting me to watch it every Tuesday (then Wednesday) night. I def rooted for Joey in her quest to win the affection of Dawson (and eventually Pacey). I watched the characters go through the same trials and tribulations as I was going through.

I have really reconnected with my 15/16-year-old self. Maybe I should say what was good about my 15/16-year-old self. While watching this show I remember what it was like to have a crush on a guy that was your best friend (and to finally get him), normal teen angst, and of course, being embarrassed by your family.

As I watch the show there are things that I don’t think I picked up on when I was watching it then. There is more sexual innuendo than I remember (and I remember a lot of sexual innuendo, my personal favorite being “flog the bishop”). And then there are other things I remember . . .like dialogue (“this baby will be 100% loved”).

What I am surprised that I remember . . .was how this show made me feel. Happy, excited, anxious, nervous, upset, frustrated and sublime bliss. Tonight, I haven’t stopped smiling . . .and it only gets bigger with every episode I watch (btw . . .I am currently watching my fifth episode of the evening Sn 2 Ep. 6). It reminds me of a time with I wasn’t so jaded about love, no matter how complicated it got. And love def gets complicated. As I am finding out, love only gets more complicated as you grow older.

Has this renewed my faith in love . . .maybe. I just know that if I could feel this way, all day, I would def hold on to what it was that gave me this feeling. However, right now its just Dawson’s Creek. And that’s good enough for me.

Days to graduation: 24

I have somewhat recovered from most of my stress induced aliments. However, my hair is still falling out by the handfuls. It’s like my stress has induced spontaneous-chemo treatments. But I didn’t come here to talk about cancer or chemo or cancer induced death. Just death in general tonight.

Death never makes appointments or comes when its convenient. It’s often sad, sometimes joyous, and maybe a little bit funny. My roommate, Samantha, has seen a bit too much death in the past 18 months. Her mother died, from cancer at 62. 13 months later her father died from an irregular heart arrhythmia at 78. Samantha was not only and only child, but a late in life child to boot (she is 23).

Both of her parents wanted to be cremated. However, there was no instructions for their ashes. So therefore, the ashes are her property now. Not wanting to explain an all-to-obvious ash urn, Samantha decided on two decorative containers. One from World Market and one from Hobby Lobby. (BTW . . .if you need an ash container, def check out the selection at both stores. It’s def cheaper.) The containers sit on a bookshelf in her room.

Most people don’t recognize what those containers are (or whats in them). When they find out, they freak! Its kinda funny watching them find excuses to get out of the house! It’s not like the remains of their human bodies can get out of those sealed containers and grab you!

If they haven’t totally freaked out, then I tell them the story of arts and crafts with dad. You see. Samantha’s dad lived about 6 hours away. He died on a Monday afternoon. It was going to take a day or two before his remains could be cremated. When she went back on Friday to clean out his apartment she picked up his remains in a temporary container (aka, a plastic bag inside a cardboard box). He lived (and I use that term very, very, loosely) on our kitchen counter in his temporary container for about a week. The following Saturday we opened the box and transfer the bag with his remains into the container and sealed it up with super glue! We weighed down the top of the container with a phone book until the glue dried and she put him on the bookshelf next to her mom!

Ok, some of you are thinking . . .this story is sick! I’ll give you that. Personally, I think its kind of funny. How many 20-somethings would be willing to do something like.

My generation is known for one particularly bad thing . . .we are boomerang children. This isn’t the case with my roommate. I joke with here about the fact that I have to live with her parent. They are getting mail here. People are calling them on her phone, using up her mins. And how inconsiderate they are carrying on with those long, moaning conversations in the middle of the night. She laughs. And maybe for a minute she remembers them in a good light.

She once told me that when it was just her mom in her room that “mom watches me do the nasty!” When she brought home dad I told her that “both your parents can watch you do the nasty. . .they would be so proud.”

And speaking of doing the nasty . . .Samantha was supposed to get a drink with a guy that had a long-standing crush on her. He was so good-looking and they had a mutual friend together, David. On Friday morning this guy died of Bacterial meningitis. David also lost his grandfather a short time ago and was in the room with Samantha when her father died. I call these two “the death squad.” Obviously, they don’t want to be in this little duo. But sometimes you have to laugh . . .even when you feel like crying. Sometimes its the only thing to do when you can’t go on. Next time you think of death . . .find some humor in it.

The Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (DADT) policy is something that has been hush-hush in the media for weeks now. Many interest groups are trying to get the law eliminating the DADT policy and allowing homosexual men and women into the armed forces.

There are so many homosexual issues out (pardon the pun) right now. DADT is only one of the few that I am currently following. With all of these issues is makes me wonder why in 2010, we are still having to deal with these things? Gay marriage . . .let them do it. Homosexuals in the armed forces . . .let them join. Homosexual Couples doing . . .let them have children.

As I look at those things mentioned above, they all seem like things that I’m not interested in myself (marriage, serving in the armed force or adopting a baby). I can’t help but feel like a waste, since I can do any of these things without any questions. For me, all I have to do is just fill out a few forms, and voila . . .I’m a married woman with an adopted child, serving in the armed forces.

Yet for several of my friends, any all these things aren’t possible. It makes me sad because they would be so much better than I would be at any of these things. In fact studies show this!

If you disagree with me, let me know. And more importantly, let me know why. I would so like to understand why people disagree with this.

Tonight, Samantha and I went out to dinner with our gay friend “David.” We both have known David for about 6 years now. We have watched him in various relationships, hook-ups and other gay connections. Two months ago David introduced us to “James.” David and James have been together about three months now. It’s hard to separate the two of them. When they have problems, they talk them out. They cook and clean together. They are looking to move in together at the end of the summer. When they came out of Wal-Mart in the rain yesterday, James went and got the car, loaded the groceries and opened the front door, so that David wouldn’t have to get wet.

Yes I am officially jealous. But it wasn’t an easy road for David to go to get to James. And the same thing can be said for James. Two good men have apparently found each other. And whats more, is that while this is a new relationship, they are constantly working on the relationship together to create a life.

Ok . . .yesterday I talked about a specific adage. Today, I want to talk about another adage. We have all heard “all the good men are taken or gay.” Well, let’s dispute the rumor. It’s fair to say that there are a lot of heterosexual men, who aren’t good, but are in relationships. Take David’s father. David’s father beat not only him and his sister but his mother as well. He frequently cheated on his wife in front of her and was an all around bad guy. David’s mother and father have been separated for 3 years now. But they have been married for over 40 years. So, its safe to say, even the bad ones are taken.

I have witnessed a lot of gay relationships over the past few years. The same things going on in David’s parent’s relationship, go on way too often the gay male community. I have seen men beaten past recognition. I know men who have picked up STDs because of a cheating partner. So there are bad gay men in relationships as well.

So why do we say “all the good men are taken or gay?” Is it because the men we want are unavailable? Or is it because this is our only solace when we crush on someone who isn’t available?

All I do know is that watching David and James in a functional relationship (gay or hetero) lets me hope that there is someone out there that is willing to work on a relationship to make it work. True, James is a very good man and taken. That doesn’t make me want him. That just makes me want to work a relationship when I do find a good, available man. What about you . . .is your man good?

Yesterday’s post I talked about having the opportunity to be a girlfriend again . . .an improved girlfriend. So what did I do to be come an improved girlfriend well . . .here is a little more out my life’s history.

Everyone has heard the say “There are more/better/bigger/better looking fish in the sea.” Usually we dispense this advise to a friend going through a breakup or when a crush doesn’t reciprocate mutual feelings. Yet, I cared this little adage into every relationship with me, along with a lot of baggage. And when you carry this adage into a relationship what do you get?

1. Jealousy . . .which leads to
2. Insecurity . . .which leads to
3. Self-Sabatoge . . .which leads to
4. Loss of Self . . .which leads to
5. Clingy-ness

I like to call this list, 5 things you don’t want in a girlfriend. And really . . .I was all of these things. It was bad!

When I got out of the very bad relationship I was in, and started taking stock in myself, and realized I could be happy by myself, one by one the jealousy (of other girls) and the insecurities and everything else just faded away. For the first time I became comfortable with the blind faith required to enter into a relationship. And not to say its all going to be smooth sailing for the next relationship (if there is one) I enter, but I feel a little bit better about the dating world in general. I came to a few realizations about the dating world and about me. So are my rules for dating . . .

1. If you want time alone or with your friends, that fine, I understand. Sometimes I am going to want the same things too.
2. If you find someone you like better or would rather pursue than me, that’s fine. However, make sure that’s what you want. There is not coming back to me.
3. If you hit me where I live, expect not to live there ever again.

Dating isn’t easy . . .and there is no way to protect your heart 100%. Yet, it will be soon time for me to take the leap. I think I am ready! What about you?