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I know that I haven’t written in a while . . .a good while. And I normally start my postings off with job search related material . . .but not tonight. Tonight is different. I didn’t find my dream job . . .not yet anyway.

So why is tonight different? Well . . .it’s because of the day I had. And the questioning that goes with the day I had.

For years, I feel almost as if everyday is a “bad day.” A bit of a pessimistic view I know, but I kinda feel that way. The song “Bad Day” by Fuel, kinda of sums up the way I most days. S*** happens everyday. Sometimes its terrible like you total out your car in an accident, a family member or friend dies, getting your a$$ chewed by your boss for an hour for something they did and not you, having overdrawn your bank account and pay-day is 10 days away and you have no food or gas. Sometimes its breaking the heel or sole on your shoe, being 5 mins late for work, or forgetting a loved one’s birthday.

Sometimes you feel like absolute dog s*** and there isn’t anything you can do and sometimes you feel that way because there was something you could have done.

This week, I partook in an action in which I feel that I flushed all of my overpriced education down the drain. I knew better than to participate in this action, and yet I did so anyway, because those that were encouraging me to partake “knew better” or knew more about this particular area than I did. Or did they, because I “knew better” than to do this action.

There comes several times in everyone’s life that you have to stand up for something that you know is right or know to be true . . .or at least somewhat true. While making the decision whether or not to go along with this, I debated and expressed my concerns over this action. The information was there black and white . . .refuting my knowledge. And yet, I still “knew better.”

While I have been going over this in my head all day, it is making me question my career choice . . .whether or not I can do what it is that I have educated myself to do. In a situation like this hindsight is always 20/20. Yet I didn’t need hindsight to tell me the outcome.

There is a time when the student becomes the teacher and yet I still feel like I need to be mentored. So did I pick the right profession if I can’t do the right thing?

Resumes Sent Out This Week: 1

Applications Submitted This Week: 1

Interview Scheduled for This Week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: SNOW DAY

Where I live if you get more than 3 inches of snow most everything closes or shuts down. I personally don’t venture out since my car is so low to the ground it doesn’t really move in 3 inches of snow, so I got to stay home today.

When I called into work they were understanding and I said I had some work that I could do at home. Which I could have . . .except I didn’t. I took a shower, did my hair, did a facial peel, got dressed in something other than pajamas changed the sheets, made the bed, did laundry, did dishes . . .twice, cooked breakfast and lunch for myself, attempted to clean soy wax out of a candle holder (btw . . .soy wax doesn’t come out easily and has the consistency and smell of motor oil) reorganized my linen storage, reorganized my underwear drawer, and cleaned up Dub’s living room accident (he pooped in the living room . . .again). I contemplated doing work . . .but it didn’t happen. I did check my work e-mail and check on the status of new orders, but other than that, nada!

When I stated at this job Thursdays were initially supposed to be my day off. But like most of the workers in the United States, I have opted to not take too many days off or sick days for 2 reasons. 1. I need the money. 2. Either the work I do isn’t going to get done or someone is going to do it and mess it up.

While I was productive today, I feel like I let everyone at work down. Basically all I was going to do today was cleanup a listserv and try a new recipe for the newsletter I write for the company I work for. While cleaning up the listserv might be better to be kept at the office, I should have at least tried out the new recipe.

I guess I shouldn’t wax on and on about what I didn’t do today and look at the accomplishments I did. And we will take tomorrow as it comes. And do the work that I didn’t do on this snow day.

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 0

Interviews scheduled for this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for today: Storm Chasers (yes the tv show)

Yesterday I posted that I can’t wait for my life to start . . .or at least my post-graduate life to start. And by post-graduate life, I mean dating life. I was waiting to move to another place and start dating. However, since moving right now is out of the question, I have to start now or never.

Also yesterday, I asked how I was going to go about this. I posted on my Facebook account that I was looking for a bargain basement man. I got a few responses from a couple of friends. One was to go to Electric Cowboy (a chain cowboy bar). However, the Electric Cowboy in my town has actually turned into a cowboy bar. And you know that cowboys have a saying “No Fat Chicks!” So. . .let’s move on from that.

My friend David suggested that I deserve better than a bargain basement man. I told him that what I am looking at ain’t looking back at me . . .therefore I must bargain basement bin dive. I love you David . . .but let’s get real.

Another friend told me that I should find a guy in prison. Her rationale was that I could have all the fun (conjugal visits) without all the mess. I told her that I simply love her idea of practicality, but her romance was dead. No way did I want to have sex in a gray 8’x8′ room with only a bed that numerous people have had sex on. YUCK!

So . . .how am I gonna go about this?

I posted this little online story on my Facebook today

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/11/03/online.dating.netiquette/index.html

I know we should drop the stigma of online dating. Like we should drop the stigma of mental illness or homosexuality. However, by participating in online dating I feel as if I am setting myself up for failure.

Some of you are asking why. It would probably appear that I have nothing to lose so why not go for it. Well. . . there is more at stake.

I have put up profiles on various websites. I have responded to various personal ads. And well . . .there hasn’t been any success. In fact, I feel as if I am a failure at love anyway. So when I find a guy on a personals ad, that seems to be pretty interesting and you send him a message and you get no response. And then you take a look at those men that looked at your profile and you feel a bit repulsed . . .I mean what about this does say failure . . .seriously.

Ok . . .I did say I want a bargain basement man. So what is my definition of a bargain basement man? Well, its different for every girl. Basically start out with your ideal man. I tend to go for the general tall, dark and handsome. Add a dash of muscles and outdoorsy-ness and a pinch of a man who isn’t afraid of hard work you pretty much got what I am looking for. Bargain basement version of this man would be tall, not dark and so-so in the handsome (personality makes up for that though) department. Muscles are vague, outdoorsy . . .well maybe not as much as I would like and someone who could still do some kind of hard work (like yard work).

So the term bargain basement man, is pretty harsh to say the least. I really don’t know of any man who would want to be considered a bargain basement man. And with this analogy I have decided that I am not ready to date! Therefore, off the market again to work on myself! YAY!

(In case you didn’t know, I am secretly afraid of dating. I look for any reason that I need to work on myself and take myself off the market!)

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Interviews this week: 0

Applications this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: Ramen Noodles

I stand at crossroads and not sure what to take. If I listen to Robert Frost, I would take the road not travelled. Yet the road not travelled requires more money than I have. The road that has been travelled costs less, but keeps me further from where I want to be. Life just sometimes sucks.

Maybe I should look at this as the unanswered prayer. True I do want to stick around where I live to be closer to my grandmother in her final months. However, who knows when those final months will come. She says she has been dying for 4 years now. She doesn’t have cancer or some other kind of rapidly mutating disease (well, she does have Congestive Heart Failure, but its at the beginning stages. She isn’t quite glued to her oxygen yet).

If I stay here, I will need to find a job. Samantha has proven that is increasingly difficult. Samantha, who has a MBA, recently applied for a part-time teller position at a bank, since there really isn’t any need for her degree. My degree has even less potential here. Trying to find a third part-time job is also proving impossible, unless I want to work retail. Right now, I can’t work on my feet as much as I would like. I hurt so bad every night I come home and have been working more than 5 hours on my feet.

Getting out of Dodge was not to start over or find the man of my dreams (which I don’t think I will find here). It was to see how other people live. To see how other people in this country move within a culture (like eastern seaboard culture or Californian culture). I figure I will be different, I will stand out, but I have always been that way.

I haven’t applied for work for the past week because I am simply afraid. I am afraid that I will not find what I am looking for, or that I will find it and be too sacred to accept it. I am also afraid that if I don’t act soon, the road will no longer be crossed and I will have take what I can get. And I am tired of being afraid.

Apparently the ABC network is introducing a show called My Generation. This show is about a handful of people who graduated in 2000 and where their lives have taken them in the 10 years since they graduated high school. Some have gone on and accomplished great things and some have just merely scraped by. Needless to say, I don’t think I will be watching this show . . .as I am already too familiar with this subject.

Since I have been getting in touch with my 15/16-year-old self, I am reminded that I am getting older. And as my 10 high school reunion is coming up (btw . . .I would rather dental surgery than go to my high school reunion. True, dental surgery isn’t fun, but at least you get drugs and jello with dental surgery. With a high school reunion you just get shame and misery . . .more jello please!) I am constantly inundated with the fact that I was/am in the generation that was going to lead us to tomorrow. We are bright and smart and gifted . . .and of course to have non-padded, gavel, rock and metal playgrounds.

True, I know several people my age that are out there doing great things for humanity, living their dreams, and otherwise good citizens. Yet, it seems that self-entitlement has not fallen on generations before mine, but more like mine. So I also know my share of that . . .well lets just say, life isn’t going the best for them.

As for my life . . .well, I am more blessed than I realize. Yet, I don’t need some high school reunion to remind me that it has taken me more than a while to finish school (I finished my undergrad in 4 years . . .my graduate degree in 2, yet it has taken me 10 years to get both and no substantial career. Not to mention, I went to high school in the South (not the Dirty South . . .just the conservative, traditional, you need a husband and babies to be happy South). So, since I am not down with the husband and kids thing, this could get ugly! Plus, there are more people there I want to avoid than to see.

Ok . . .sorry for the trip into self-pity alley. But I feel as if I haven’t accomplished anything in life really. I guess as I take my next steps into the world, I might feel better about this. In the words of Paula Cole (and yes, the theme song to Dawson’s Creek) “I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be!” Time to head out into the world . . .any suggestions along the way?

If you aren’t familiar with the website fmylife.com, you should get to know it very well. I am providing a link for you to check it out (after you read this post of course!)

http://www.fmylife.com/

Today is very much a FML kinda day. I am supposed to graduate in 15 days, and crisis sets in. The interview files I submitted to my instructor are corrupted. Lost and gone forever. This was worth roughly 20% of my final grade.

I figure that I am probably going to be getting a B in this class . . .fine . . .it will bring down my 3.8 GPA. However, now its is looking like a low C . . .really bringing down my GPA, and will be looking fabulous on my transcripts. It will match my grades for my undergraduate economics classes and will go great with the D I got in news reporting. It’s not longer about making it to the finish line, but how well you got there.

I am trying to take this on the chin, but that’s really hard. I need this class to graduate. If I don’t pass, I don’t graduate, simple as that. I’m sure they will probably let me walk and all, but I will still need to take one class next semester to earn the credits worthy of my graduation. And I will have to deal with the class that broke me. It will be on my transcript, like a bad stain that doesn’t come out of your favorite shirt!

In a bit, I am going to take a long bath, with a glass of wine. And probably cry myself to sleep. After 9 years of higher education, I can’t believe there is one class that broke me. One class that couldn’t do what others have succeeded and failed. I will have to deal with the fact that not matter how hard I tried there is once thing that I couldn’t tackle. The tears are welling up as I type . . .time for the tub.