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I know that I haven’t written in a while . . .a good while. And I normally start my postings off with job search related material . . .but not tonight. Tonight is different. I didn’t find my dream job . . .not yet anyway.

So why is tonight different? Well . . .it’s because of the day I had. And the questioning that goes with the day I had.

For years, I feel almost as if everyday is a “bad day.” A bit of a pessimistic view I know, but I kinda feel that way. The song “Bad Day” by Fuel, kinda of sums up the way I most days. S*** happens everyday. Sometimes its terrible like you total out your car in an accident, a family member or friend dies, getting your a$$ chewed by your boss for an hour for something they did and not you, having overdrawn your bank account and pay-day is 10 days away and you have no food or gas. Sometimes its breaking the heel or sole on your shoe, being 5 mins late for work, or forgetting a loved one’s birthday.

Sometimes you feel like absolute dog s*** and there isn’t anything you can do and sometimes you feel that way because there was something you could have done.

This week, I partook in an action in which I feel that I flushed all of my overpriced education down the drain. I knew better than to participate in this action, and yet I did so anyway, because those that were encouraging me to partake “knew better” or knew more about this particular area than I did. Or did they, because I “knew better” than to do this action.

There comes several times in everyone’s life that you have to stand up for something that you know is right or know to be true . . .or at least somewhat true. While making the decision whether or not to go along with this, I debated and expressed my concerns over this action. The information was there black and white . . .refuting my knowledge. And yet, I still “knew better.”

While I have been going over this in my head all day, it is making me question my career choice . . .whether or not I can do what it is that I have educated myself to do. In a situation like this hindsight is always 20/20. Yet I didn’t need hindsight to tell me the outcome.

There is a time when the student becomes the teacher and yet I still feel like I need to be mentored. So did I pick the right profession if I can’t do the right thing?

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Applications submitted this week: 1

Interviews scheduled this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: Having a roof over my head . . .for now.

At night when it is time for me to go to sleep I try to concentrated on the ticking of the clock in my bathroom. While concentrating on the ticking I think of the future. I think of my fantasy man.

Every single girl (and some taken girls too) thinks about that man of her dreams, man of her current (celebrity) crush, or at least the idea of that man. For the past couple months the man of my dreams has been my celebrity crush . . .that was until last night . . .when he cheated on me.

If this is my fantasy, why did I choose to dream him up and have him do that to me. Did I mention in my fantasy I had also just found out I was pregnant when I found out he cheated on me?

Ok . . .how did my fantasy go awry? Is this indicative of how I see my future relationships going?

I have only been in one relationship where the guy cheated on me. And I didn’t find out until after we broke up. So, it’s not really a big concern of mine when I enter into a relationship. I mean, if a guy cheats on me, I would probably be upset and it would definitely be the end of the relationship.

I guess I should look at it through the perspective of celebrity and the power that’s behind it. How both men and women (some men and women, not all) want to be with someone who has some power. In my fantasy last night I caught my dream man cheating on me with some hot, skinny, attractive asian girl in a YouTube video. He was out hobnobbing at a bar and this girl plastered herself on him. The video was of them making-out with their hands all over each other.

I understand that celebrity has power. Look at Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton or Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. (btw . . .my (former) celebrity crush is not in politics or a back-up pop dancer . . .or involved in the music business). There is that pull of power.

Is there a lesson to be learned from all this?? I guess it might be don’t fall for the power of celebrity. Maybe its pick your celebrity crushes better.

BTW . . .I know in earlier posts I have mentioned that I was looking for a relationship opportunity. I haven’t found that yet. And it’s not looking good. I guess I really should be grateful that I am single, and that I am still happy that way. And I could live my life this way and be happy.

Resumes sent out this week: 0

Interviews this week: 0

Applications this week: 0

Thing I am most grateful for: Ramen Noodles

I stand at crossroads and not sure what to take. If I listen to Robert Frost, I would take the road not travelled. Yet the road not travelled requires more money than I have. The road that has been travelled costs less, but keeps me further from where I want to be. Life just sometimes sucks.

Maybe I should look at this as the unanswered prayer. True I do want to stick around where I live to be closer to my grandmother in her final months. However, who knows when those final months will come. She says she has been dying for 4 years now. She doesn’t have cancer or some other kind of rapidly mutating disease (well, she does have Congestive Heart Failure, but its at the beginning stages. She isn’t quite glued to her oxygen yet).

If I stay here, I will need to find a job. Samantha has proven that is increasingly difficult. Samantha, who has a MBA, recently applied for a part-time teller position at a bank, since there really isn’t any need for her degree. My degree has even less potential here. Trying to find a third part-time job is also proving impossible, unless I want to work retail. Right now, I can’t work on my feet as much as I would like. I hurt so bad every night I come home and have been working more than 5 hours on my feet.

Getting out of Dodge was not to start over or find the man of my dreams (which I don’t think I will find here). It was to see how other people live. To see how other people in this country move within a culture (like eastern seaboard culture or Californian culture). I figure I will be different, I will stand out, but I have always been that way.

I haven’t applied for work for the past week because I am simply afraid. I am afraid that I will not find what I am looking for, or that I will find it and be too sacred to accept it. I am also afraid that if I don’t act soon, the road will no longer be crossed and I will have take what I can get. And I am tired of being afraid.

I can’t sleep. Can you? What’s your secret?

Lately I have had a bout of insomnia. When I was in class, I thought it was just the stress of class that was keeping me from sleeping. The night I got my grade, I slept for 13 hours! So, I just assumed that now I don’t have the stress of class, I can start sleeping again.

And you know what they say about assuming things . . .so I reconsidered my sleep strategy. I have been cutting back on my caffeine consumption (I have had 1 caffeinated beverage in the past two days). If I have caffeine it has to be before 4 pm. I haven’t had much liquor either (with the exception of the Lady Gaga contest and tonight.) So, why can’t I sleep.

Well, new idea, I am still stressed.. Stressed about finding a job, stressed about my living situation, and stressed about moving in with my parents. Don’t get me wrong, Samantha and I are fine, I am just concerned when she is going to get a job and leave me alone in this town with my parents.

Ok . . .don’t get me wrong about my parents, either. They are just really conservative people. They eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time everyday. They are both retired so they are home all the time. They don’t travel. So I will be spending many, many hours with them . . .no friends, no boys and no booze!

As I try to sleep each night (still watching episodes of Dawson’s Creek), I try to envision the life I want for myself. Where will I live, what kinds of friends will I have, what will this life look like. I think I might be getting too excited over a life I don’t have yet and a little depressed about the one in which I will be shortly living.

Oh, reality . . .you are such a b****, aren’t you? Just when I think life is about to begin, I have to move in with my parents? That’s attractive! Thanks reality for humbling me and reminding me of my place in this world. I guess that’s why western medicine has a pill for everything. DOPE ME UP!

Apparently the ABC network is introducing a show called My Generation. This show is about a handful of people who graduated in 2000 and where their lives have taken them in the 10 years since they graduated high school. Some have gone on and accomplished great things and some have just merely scraped by. Needless to say, I don’t think I will be watching this show . . .as I am already too familiar with this subject.

Since I have been getting in touch with my 15/16-year-old self, I am reminded that I am getting older. And as my 10 high school reunion is coming up (btw . . .I would rather dental surgery than go to my high school reunion. True, dental surgery isn’t fun, but at least you get drugs and jello with dental surgery. With a high school reunion you just get shame and misery . . .more jello please!) I am constantly inundated with the fact that I was/am in the generation that was going to lead us to tomorrow. We are bright and smart and gifted . . .and of course to have non-padded, gavel, rock and metal playgrounds.

True, I know several people my age that are out there doing great things for humanity, living their dreams, and otherwise good citizens. Yet, it seems that self-entitlement has not fallen on generations before mine, but more like mine. So I also know my share of that . . .well lets just say, life isn’t going the best for them.

As for my life . . .well, I am more blessed than I realize. Yet, I don’t need some high school reunion to remind me that it has taken me more than a while to finish school (I finished my undergrad in 4 years . . .my graduate degree in 2, yet it has taken me 10 years to get both and no substantial career. Not to mention, I went to high school in the South (not the Dirty South . . .just the conservative, traditional, you need a husband and babies to be happy South). So, since I am not down with the husband and kids thing, this could get ugly! Plus, there are more people there I want to avoid than to see.

Ok . . .sorry for the trip into self-pity alley. But I feel as if I haven’t accomplished anything in life really. I guess as I take my next steps into the world, I might feel better about this. In the words of Paula Cole (and yes, the theme song to Dawson’s Creek) “I don’t wanna wait, for our lives to be over, I want to know right now what will it be!” Time to head out into the world . . .any suggestions along the way?

Have you ever watch a television show, movie, or other program, that made you feel so alive? I have. On Thursday I bought seasons 1 & 2 of Dawson’s Creek . . .a.k.a best television show ever!

When I was 15 I this was the show I anticipated the most. And needless to say it was not disappointing . . .prompting me to watch it every Tuesday (then Wednesday) night. I def rooted for Joey in her quest to win the affection of Dawson (and eventually Pacey). I watched the characters go through the same trials and tribulations as I was going through.

I have really reconnected with my 15/16-year-old self. Maybe I should say what was good about my 15/16-year-old self. While watching this show I remember what it was like to have a crush on a guy that was your best friend (and to finally get him), normal teen angst, and of course, being embarrassed by your family.

As I watch the show there are things that I don’t think I picked up on when I was watching it then. There is more sexual innuendo than I remember (and I remember a lot of sexual innuendo, my personal favorite being “flog the bishop”). And then there are other things I remember . . .like dialogue (“this baby will be 100% loved”).

What I am surprised that I remember . . .was how this show made me feel. Happy, excited, anxious, nervous, upset, frustrated and sublime bliss. Tonight, I haven’t stopped smiling . . .and it only gets bigger with every episode I watch (btw . . .I am currently watching my fifth episode of the evening Sn 2 Ep. 6). It reminds me of a time with I wasn’t so jaded about love, no matter how complicated it got. And love def gets complicated. As I am finding out, love only gets more complicated as you grow older.

Has this renewed my faith in love . . .maybe. I just know that if I could feel this way, all day, I would def hold on to what it was that gave me this feeling. However, right now its just Dawson’s Creek. And that’s good enough for me.

Sorry I haven’t posted it a couple of days . . .my life has been a bit up in the air. After the debauched audio files incident (and consequently getting one of the files restored), losing the file for my final report, and wondering if I am going to graduate, I’m a little tired and emotionally drained.

I’m still up in the air about graduation, which puts my life up in the air about everything else. Graduate school is kinda of funny about what happens when you fail a class. For those of you that don’t know, you don’t get to retake the class next semester or the next time it’s offered, you don’t get take another class and substitute the credits . . .you get kicked out. And right now I am kinda of wondering how I am going to pay off my $35,000 of student debt if I cannot use my education to get a high paying job.

I have a 3.84 GPA as of right now. And in this class I have an 83%. It’s not for lack of trying or participation. I am just trying to figure out what the fates have in store for me. And what am I going to do if I don’t pass this class.

Stay tuned . . .it will either be one amazing triumph or on amazing nervous breakdown.

If you aren’t familiar with the website fmylife.com, you should get to know it very well. I am providing a link for you to check it out (after you read this post of course!)

http://www.fmylife.com/

Today is very much a FML kinda day. I am supposed to graduate in 15 days, and crisis sets in. The interview files I submitted to my instructor are corrupted. Lost and gone forever. This was worth roughly 20% of my final grade.

I figure that I am probably going to be getting a B in this class . . .fine . . .it will bring down my 3.8 GPA. However, now its is looking like a low C . . .really bringing down my GPA, and will be looking fabulous on my transcripts. It will match my grades for my undergraduate economics classes and will go great with the D I got in news reporting. It’s not longer about making it to the finish line, but how well you got there.

I am trying to take this on the chin, but that’s really hard. I need this class to graduate. If I don’t pass, I don’t graduate, simple as that. I’m sure they will probably let me walk and all, but I will still need to take one class next semester to earn the credits worthy of my graduation. And I will have to deal with the class that broke me. It will be on my transcript, like a bad stain that doesn’t come out of your favorite shirt!

In a bit, I am going to take a long bath, with a glass of wine. And probably cry myself to sleep. After 9 years of higher education, I can’t believe there is one class that broke me. One class that couldn’t do what others have succeeded and failed. I will have to deal with the fact that not matter how hard I tried there is once thing that I couldn’t tackle. The tears are welling up as I type . . .time for the tub.

Days to graduation: 24

I have somewhat recovered from most of my stress induced aliments. However, my hair is still falling out by the handfuls. It’s like my stress has induced spontaneous-chemo treatments. But I didn’t come here to talk about cancer or chemo or cancer induced death. Just death in general tonight.

Death never makes appointments or comes when its convenient. It’s often sad, sometimes joyous, and maybe a little bit funny. My roommate, Samantha, has seen a bit too much death in the past 18 months. Her mother died, from cancer at 62. 13 months later her father died from an irregular heart arrhythmia at 78. Samantha was not only and only child, but a late in life child to boot (she is 23).

Both of her parents wanted to be cremated. However, there was no instructions for their ashes. So therefore, the ashes are her property now. Not wanting to explain an all-to-obvious ash urn, Samantha decided on two decorative containers. One from World Market and one from Hobby Lobby. (BTW . . .if you need an ash container, def check out the selection at both stores. It’s def cheaper.) The containers sit on a bookshelf in her room.

Most people don’t recognize what those containers are (or whats in them). When they find out, they freak! Its kinda funny watching them find excuses to get out of the house! It’s not like the remains of their human bodies can get out of those sealed containers and grab you!

If they haven’t totally freaked out, then I tell them the story of arts and crafts with dad. You see. Samantha’s dad lived about 6 hours away. He died on a Monday afternoon. It was going to take a day or two before his remains could be cremated. When she went back on Friday to clean out his apartment she picked up his remains in a temporary container (aka, a plastic bag inside a cardboard box). He lived (and I use that term very, very, loosely) on our kitchen counter in his temporary container for about a week. The following Saturday we opened the box and transfer the bag with his remains into the container and sealed it up with super glue! We weighed down the top of the container with a phone book until the glue dried and she put him on the bookshelf next to her mom!

Ok, some of you are thinking . . .this story is sick! I’ll give you that. Personally, I think its kind of funny. How many 20-somethings would be willing to do something like.

My generation is known for one particularly bad thing . . .we are boomerang children. This isn’t the case with my roommate. I joke with here about the fact that I have to live with her parent. They are getting mail here. People are calling them on her phone, using up her mins. And how inconsiderate they are carrying on with those long, moaning conversations in the middle of the night. She laughs. And maybe for a minute she remembers them in a good light.

She once told me that when it was just her mom in her room that “mom watches me do the nasty!” When she brought home dad I told her that “both your parents can watch you do the nasty. . .they would be so proud.”

And speaking of doing the nasty . . .Samantha was supposed to get a drink with a guy that had a long-standing crush on her. He was so good-looking and they had a mutual friend together, David. On Friday morning this guy died of Bacterial meningitis. David also lost his grandfather a short time ago and was in the room with Samantha when her father died. I call these two “the death squad.” Obviously, they don’t want to be in this little duo. But sometimes you have to laugh . . .even when you feel like crying. Sometimes its the only thing to do when you can’t go on. Next time you think of death . . .find some humor in it.